It’s normal for a person’s weight to fluctuate. But when I couldn’t pull a pair of size 8 trousers over my thighs I completely freaked out.

“No good?” The 16-year-old fitting room girl smiled politely as I handed her back the trousers.

“No, it’s too small.” I told her. “But I am a size 8.” I added.

She smiled politely.

“Seriously, I am.” I told her again. “These trousers just got stuck half way up my leg. It must be the cut.”

“Yeah. I have a dress like that. It’s sooo tight around my butt.” She nodded. “You want to try a 10?”

“No! Um, no thanks.”

I found Solicitor in the kitchenware department.

“We don’t have a George Foreman do we?” He asked browsing the shelf.

“No.”

“Do you want one?”

“No.”

“Sure? It can stay in its box and join the Breville Toaster and the Juicer in the cupboard we hardly open.”

“I’m not a size 8 anymore.”

“Um ok.”

“I couldn’t pull the trousers on!” I could feel myself getting panicky. “Am I fat?” I whispered.

Solicitor stopped and turned to me. “Yes, Elise, you’re fat.” He deadpanned. “I’ve been trying to find the right time to tell you. You’re a whale.”

“You asshole!”

“You asked!” Solicitor grinned. “Stop getting hormonal on me.”

“I’m not!”

“Yes you are! You do this every month. How about a Tefal Fryer? Should we get one of those?”

“Excuse me.”

“A Tefal Fryer. You put a table spoon of oil in it and it fries chips to ‘perfection’.”

“No, the hormonal part.”

“Every month you complain about something.” He sighed

“I’m not complaining! I’m genuinely upset!”

“No you’re not. Give it a day or two and you’ll be back to normal. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed that after all these years.”

“All these years? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Jesus! Stop being stupid. Do you want anything from here?”

Silence

“Elise, do you want to buy anything?”

“Do you want to buy anything?” I asked him curtly.

“Well babe, you wanted to come here. I think the decision to actually buy something rests in your capable hands.”

“Fine. We’ll get the George Foreman.”

“Will you use the George Foreman?”

“Does it matter?”

“Well if we’re going to by a gimmick I’d prefer to pick up something we’d actually use like the Tefal Fryer.”

“You’re the one that wanted the George- Ah! Fine! Get the fryer. Have it YOUR way!”

“Elise, you’re causing a scene.”

“You’re annoying me.”

Silence

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Are you going to apologise?” I asked

“For what? you’re the one that started it!”

We stared each other down for a minute or so. His mouth began to twitch.

“Would madam like to take a break and get some lunch?”

“Whatever.”

“Or we can stay here and argue some more.”

I reluctantly smiled.”Ok, let’s get some lunch.”

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