As Solicitor and I unloaded the sainsbury’s bags from the boot yesterday evening a strange movement across the road caught my attention.

“Is there a dog trapped in that car?” I asked pointing with my elbow in the general direction of the movement

Solicitor glanced across and shook his head. He scooped the large 24 roll packet of andrex up with his free arm and casually walked through the front door.

I stood where I was for a couple of seconds, adjusting my eyes to the strange shadow.

It looked like…


“That’s disgusting!” I exclaimed as Solicitor hooked more bags through his fingers. “There could be children walking around. What if they saw?”

“They do it all the time.” Solicitor said casually. “You never seen it before?”


“Bloody hell, your slow.”

I gawked at the car. Unable to believe I’d never seen them before.

“Don’t gawk. Make a start on dinner and I’ll unpack the bags.”

I walked through the front door completely shell-shocked.

“This is a good neighbourhood!” I protested. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you that some girl is fucking her boyfriend in his car?” Solicitor deadpanned.

I flicked on the oven and washed my hands.

“Do you know who they are?” I asked

“Why? Are you going to send them home with a note?”

“it’s indecent.” I grumbled.

Solicitor laughed. “You sound old! You don’t remember our little adventures?”

I blushed. “That was different. We were on a deserted country road in the middle of the night. This is broad daylight on a residential street! Anyone could see them.”

“What about that time in the bathroom at my offices?” Solicitor grinned.

“We didn’t do anything!” I protested. “We kissed a little.”

“A little? That’s not what I remember…”

“The point is, they’re attracting attention to themselves. Why don’t they just go into their house?”

“Because they’re young and they still live with their parents?”

“Right. So they park up on someones street.” I began peeling the potatoes at super speed. “Why couldn’t they pick another street. The house prices will plummet if there are used condoms littering the street. Why our street? Why?”

“I doubt that-”

“Can you imagine if a little child walked up to the car and saw that? I thought it was a dog! They might think the same and walk right up to the window.”

“The chances of-”

“We’re going to have to move. It starts with a couple messing about in their car and before you know it the start exchanging needles!”

“What the-”

“Oh my God! Can you imagine? They’ll open up brothels and crack houses. And we’ll have to stay in and link the door chain before opening the front door.”

“And we’ll have to immunise our kids against yellow fever before they go out!”

I looked at him in shock. “Yellow fever?!”

He flashed me a cheeky grin. “Stop getting carried away. A young couple have nowhere to do it so they’ve parked up in the shadows of a quiet street. If you want them to stop, go knock on the window and fold your arms in a disapproving manner.”

I dropped the potato peeler and washed my hands.

“Ok, I’ll be right back.”

I marched out of the front door and across the street with determination, only to find the car gone. I studied the street for a used condom, but found no evidence of hanky-panky.

Hmm. They’re either a nice eco-friendly young couple, or… they didn’t use anything.

I may slip them a “safe sex” leaflet the next time they “park up”. It’ll only reflect badly on the local health statistics if they end up with an STI

God, I do sound old!